(beautiful image by Weronika Izdebska)
Dear friends,
this past weekend I had a beautiful experience somewhere in Oklahoma, sitting by water, next to a tree, with friends.
As we sat in ceremony together and the spirit of father tobacco hit, I felt myself deeply moved. As the leaves swayed above me singing their gentle song, a sadness fell over me and I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come.
Deeply submerged in nature and the nature within, I felt both oddly at peace and tremendously tormented. My father, who passed from cancer in 2016, was so very present with me for a moment and then he wasn’t and the void was filled with a heavy sadness. All of a sudden, I thought about the baby boy my mother lost before she had me. A life that never came to be, but that opened the space for my soul to emerge within my birth family, and for the first time in almost 38 years of earth-side dwelling I asked myself why I never talked to my father about this lost son of his and what it did to him and what it did to me and for the first time in almost 38 years apprenticing under this universe I longed purely and deeply for a brother in my life.
With his intuitive knowing my friend invited me to lean into him and slowly I felt my body allowing to grow softer and softer in his tight embrace and to release the tears the I had kept with me. I heard the water babbling and I felt my tears quietly streaming and the trembling of my shivering body. Every time my thinking brain told me “enough now, you took up enough space”, I let myself sink deeper and told that nagging part of me “it is ok to let myself be held”.
After what felt like hours, I was finally able to turn around and speak. “I miss home.”, “I miss my sisters.”, “I miss a brother.” is what came out of me. “I can be your brother”, my friend said.
Down by the water I sat and wept and allowed and allowed and allowed and I let myself be welcomed.
Honestly, this experience was so intimate and beautiful and I wasn’t sure wether or not I wanted to share, but it is these experiences that long to be shared. These are the stories that beckon to be told so that we can all breakaway the walls around our hearts.
I met the edges of my own heart last Saturday.
Beautiful friend,
when a hand reaches out to you take it. When an arm offers to wrap around you let it. Let others coil around you like the root of an old oak and bathe you in love and security and support. Sink in deep. Unfurl. Unravel. Release.
We can hold it each other so gently and in understanding if we let it happen.
My friend and I reflected on the experience by weaving this poem together. Flowering words softly spun from a meaningful sitting together:
undress your feet
and untie the tight strings around your heart
sit amongst the flowers
and write
you don’t have to walk alone
turn the page
and allow your hand to write a new story
walk among the trees
and listen
I will find you in the wind
open your palm
and unclench your firm grip
sit by the river
and weep
my arms will hold you tightly
find the edges of my heart
and feel the crumbling of my walls
stand at the precipice
and leap
in the fall I grow my wings
let the dam break
cascading crystals race
stuck in the sediment
and cough
dissolve into my embrace
I would like to give you these journaling prompts -
When was a moment in your life that you felt deeply held?
Is it hard for you, to let yourself sink deep, to lean back and lean in, to allow?
Who are the people in your life, that wrap like roots around you as you descent down in exploration towards the darkness of your own soul?
What does it look like to hold others gently, without taking responsibility?
The journey is the point,
I would love to retreat with you this fall.
Find out all the details at www.the-pause.com . We have 4 beds left. To make this achievable for as many mothers as possible we offer a sliding scale, payment plans adjustable to your needs and friend/share room rates.
The journey is the point…
Such medicine. Such a beautiful sharing and it’s an honour to receive this tender story. Xxx
So grateful you shared so openly and again I feel so connected with you across miles and miles and oceans.
I had the epiphany that I incredibly missed the brother I could have had during my psychokineosology training which helped me to even connect with the soul. I can’t believe you actually are working through this, it’s so helpful to know and empowering to feel the grief. I still remember the love I felt from them through the realms. Incredibly touching. But doesn’t make life necessarily easier.